Monday, August 18, 2008


seriously tho, i love the olympics. 1 word: Phelps (is that a word?), 100m dash (that's what it was called when i went to elementary school), gymnastics (cept for the convoluted scoring), and boxing (usually), and wrestling, decatholon. but there are numerous other events in the Oh!Limp-Icks, which belong there, but not in the Olympics. let's get a petition goin or something, in this order:
1- equestrian. riding a fuckin horse?? i know it's's driving a ups truck! and those guys and gals have to carry our heavy frickin packs!!! at least when they do that jumping obstacle course there's the chance that someone will fall, but what's with those stupid hats?? more importantly there's the "dressage" event. Yay (can i lisp gayly when saying yay?). pretty horsies prancin and dancing here and there. oh look at that sweet lil pony!!! he's just so precious! there's only one way this would be legit: put the fuckin judges under the horses and let them dance on them! the end.
2- shooting! give me a fuckin break. there's a lot wrong here. mainly they're usin air guns and air rifles!@! oooooh i hope i hit da bullseye! there's a fuckin gold medal for this??? it's quite simple how they can legitimize these events: would somebody please give me the AK47?? where's the fuckin bazooka??? say hello to my lil friend? gimmie an UZI puhleeze. i'm not inta huntin furry animals but at least that would be skillful...stuff movin, jumpin, TRYING not to get shot!!! try shooting a nyc RAT!!!! that's worthy of a gold medal!!! how bout a nyc cockroach from 100 yrds!!! and no one will miss'm. but this is really what we need: a dirty harry competition where they shoot at mugger that's da shit! magnum's, glocks, etc. tiebreak goes to the peeps who do it hong kong style! western style dueling. 10 paces. or the sniper competition. lastly after those sports have been established i'd like to introduce the ghetto drive by competition! special xtra points given for the kind of ride used and whether the rims kept spinnin as they sped off! points deducted for innocents and peeps not wherein colors.
3- ping pong. PING PONG??? the game played in moldy basements, garages, and in rec centers??? no. NO fuckin way. and there ain't a thing that could be done to make this worthy of giving out medals for. well, maybe one thing. if it's a death match. i'll buy the pay per view ticket for that!!!
4- yacht racing. if it isn't bad enough these mofo's have and get to ride in yachts!!! but then they get a medal for it. it's just wrong i tell you.
5- canooing. are we really THAT desperate. row you mutherfuckers...right off a cliff. and you skulling folks follow them!
6- badminton. maybe if they were naked? then it would be funny. no way badminton is olympics material. can you picture the ancient greeks comin home from epic battles and being entertained by badminton?
7-archery. only one way this works. apple on top of the head. make that the head of the world archery association (if there is one).
8- synchronized diving. it's just gay. sorry. at least the synch swimming is something to laff about. do men synch swim? real men? i doubt it.
9- field hockey. ice hockey's enuf.
10- handball. not the kinda handball played by everyone in the world with a wall and a ball. the kind that is like a weird euro version of soccer and b ball. who plays this shit? oh yeah. some dudes in europe.
11- track cycling, all events except for the mano a mano.
12- softball. the chicks throw awefully hard (i'm sure i wouldn't touch the ball), but if i can stand watching more than 1 pitch... fuck me.
13- rythmic gymnastics. it's too easy to make fun of. but thank god it's only hot chicks (mostly) and no dudes. do you think there's a dude petitioning the commitee to let men do it?

honorable mention:
the penalty box in water polo...could anything be funnier or sadder at the same time? and those funny baby bonnets they wear! plus those dudes are fat. maybe they float better that way?

since that crap is in the olympics it's just the crime of the century that these "sports/events" aren't added immediately:
arm wrestling, thumb wrestling, mud wrestling, pool, bowling, shuffleboard (warm curling), nascar, wife carrying race, potato sack racing, dunking for apples, greased watermellon comp, punch for punch, chicken (with cars), jousting, scully, jump rope (double dutch only), pogo stick, tag, ringaleevio (sp?), darts, musical chairs, hot potato, hot dog & oyster eating, flinch, rollercoaster riding, and rock skipping.

serious sports which SHOULD be added:
all X game stuff, mma.


Neil said...

Don't forget about Rock, Paper, Scisors.

Scott Eder said...

true that!